Leave me Alone!!

Leave me alone!

I need to be alone. I wont be blogging, wont be online and my handphone will be switched off. I just.. need some time to get my life back on track. I really need to be away from all these drama, all these pain and all these memories. I'm just.. i'm losing my mind here. I need to be away. I just need someone, anyone. I cant do this alone anymore. I totally lost it. Myself, my faith, my believe and most of all, love. I dont want this, i dont want to open my heart up just for it to get hurt again. I'm tired. No, i'm exhausted. I just want to be away, i want to be free from all these tears, hurt, pain, shit. I want to be happy again, but it all seems so far away..

Why does God teach us, "Love is to forgive and forget.." when the more you forgive and the more you put it behind you, the more you'll be taken granted for? Why does He say that "Love is never boastful.." when guys ego are so much bigger than their hearts? Why am i always the fucking one who has to suffer? Why must i go through this again, again and again?! Can anyone for ONCE! just bloody keep to their promises? Why do people make you have so much hope and faith when in the end they just tear you into shreds everytime they have the chance to? Why cant they say promises from their hearts and portray them in actions and not merely from their mouths? Arghs!!!!!

*

It was funny how ironic it was that it all happened when i was at my cousin's wedding. Total opposite. I felt trapped there, i felt so.. so lost. I felt so envious, felt so jealous as i saw true love right infront of my very eyes. The atmosphere, the songs, the newly weds.. they were all getting to me. I kept leaving the place to find somewhere actually safe. It's funny that how i thought the washroom was the safest place. Ha. I didnt really feel like coming out, but i guess i didnt have a choice at all. As i sat and stared at my other cousin hand who was directly sitting infront of me, i felt tears filled my eyes again. "They (my cousin and him) have the same metal bracelet.." I seriously needed to leave.

Dad, i know you're never gonna read this, but i'm sorry. I knew you were just doing your job as a dad, i know you knew something was wrong, i knew that you heard me cry, i know dad. I'm sorry because i didnt feel like talking, i'm sorry i kept pushing you away. But i really need time alone, i really need it. I cant look at anyone anymore, i cant act as if nothing is happening. I will always remember what you told me, "No matter who love you, or dont love you, i'll love you, and i'll be the one who loves you the most."

As i felt my dad arms and pats on my head, i couldnt help but to cry. Though they were from a different person, it felt the same. Safe, secure, loved..

I'm sorry. I cant do this, i cant blog anymore. It's getting worse, i'm sorry.


Signing off:
Kenny Chng!!